A few weeks ago, we wrote about the importance of listening and gave some advice on how to become a better listener. Relationships, though, are a two way street and therapy places just as much of an emphasis on being an effective communicator. Many people struggle with setting boundaries in their personal and professional lives and this can often lead to feelings of stress, burnout, and low self-worth.
We need to be able to set boundaries in our relationships in addition to asking for what we need. Whether it is approaching your boss to ask for vacation time or asking your teenager to pick up their room, DBT skills can provide a valuable roadmap. DEAR MAN is a DBT acronym that helps easily recall the steps in asking for something or setting a boundary and saying no. We can break it down into two main messages: DEAR reminds us what to say and MAN reminds us how to say it.
DEAR MAN: D Stands for Describe
You start by describing the situation or stating the facts. This helps separate judgements and opinions from the factual details. In the example where you want your adolescent to clean their room, you might begin by stating: “You have not cleaned your room in two weeks. There are dirty clothes on the floor and dishes on your desk.”
DEAR MAN: E Stands for Express
After you describe the situation, you then say what you think and how you feel. It is helpful to use “I” statements. In the example with your teen you might express, “When you don’t clean up, I feel stressed and disrespected.”
DEAR MAN: A Stands for Assert
Now is when you ask for what you want (or set a boundary by saying no). You could say to your teen, “I’d like you to put away the dirty dishes and bring your laundry downstairs every day.”
DEAR MAN: R Stands for Reinforce
Reiterate what you would like to be done and provide any positive effects that would occur. “If you could clean up at the end of the day, that would show me that you respect me and our home.”
DEAR MAN: M Stands for Mindful
Mindfulness is a core component of DBT and we see it here with interpersonal effectiveness. Keep your focus and stay mindful of the topic or request. One way to do this is to be a broken record. Keep a mellow tone of voice, and express your request over and over.
DEAR MAN: A Stands for Assertive
Appear confident. Use a strong tone of voice and confident body language. Make appropriate eye contact.
DEAR MAN: N Stands for Negotiate
Be willing to negotiate. The ideal solution is when both parties feel like they have had some success. For example, if your teenager can come up with an alternative solution to cleaning their room every day that meets your overall request, be willing to problem solve.
The DEAR MAN skills can be used to make nearly any conversation a little more effective. The value of using this formula is not only to increase the likelihood of your request but to engender positive feelings between both parties. Try implementing this set of parameters into the next conversation when you need to make a request or set a boundary.