In the current work and social climate of this pandemic, people are finding themselves on video platforms, such as Zoom or Skype, for multiple hours a day. These platforms are used for work, school, tele-medicine consultations, and even socializing with family and friends. In-person meetings are being temporarily replaced by a screen. Many people feel well-equipped to engage in this kind of platform, while others could use some guidance on how to improve their virtual communication skills.
Now, more than ever before, honing effective listening skills are an important way to invest in physically distanced relationships. We cannot rely on the organic socialization “around the cooler” opportunities that take place in the workplace and school settings. There are no last-minute lunch invitations or walks to get coffee. Yet, meaningful relationships are a key factor in helping to buffer stress, depression and anxiety. To this end, spending a little extra time and effort to become a better listener will likely pay off by building stronger work and social relationships.
Reflective listening is a communication strategy that involves understanding not only the content of what a person says, but also the way they feel. The listener then repeats back in their own words their interpretation. Using reflective listening in a conversation can result in feelings of recognition and validation. This type of listening builds strong interpersonal relationships and can be grouped into two skill sets: attending skills and reflective skills.
Due to the distanced nature of using video platforms for communication, a listener may need to pay particular attention to their attending skill set. When sitting in close physical proximity, it is often natural to demonstrate attending skills. These include eye contact, body language, tone of voice and physical environment. When using a video platform, it can sometimes take more nuanced effort to attend. Simple strategies may need to be implemented to show the listener that you are attending. For example, the environment is important. Are there distractions in the background for the speaker (TV, noisy street) or for the listener (telephone text messages, emails coming through, multiple windows open on the computer)? Because it may be more challenging to demonstrate good eye contact while on a video call, other attending skills such as body language (leaning in, head nods, facial expressions, verbal confirmations) can be used to show interest.
In addition to attending skills, reflective skills are the second component to becoming a better listener. This is the “checking out” process. The listener is repeating and expressing both the content and the emotion of what was said. During the reflection, it is important to match the intensity of the message or the emotion with your response. Listen and look for clues to help you gauge the intensity in order to best match an appropriate response. For example, you video conference your best friend and begin a conversation about her day:
She says, “I just don’t understand my boss. One minute he says one thing, and the next minute he says the opposite.”
An unmatched response would be: “You sound really mad. Like you want to quit!”
Whereas a matched and reflective response would be: “Yes. You feel very confused by him.”
Reflective skills are utilized with the goal of conveying empathy and validation. When there is a dilemma involved, the speaker will often begin to problem solve on his or her own after feeling heard and understood. It is an effective way to increase social connectedness via virtual platforms.
At this time, it is necessary to maintain physical distance in the workplace and social settings in order to slow the spread of COVID-19. But physical distance does not shut down the necessity of functional work and social relationships and many people could benefit from improving their listening skills.