Arguments and disagreements among siblings are a normal experience that occasionally happen in all homes. But what if the fighting becomes an every day occurrence? Children experience stress and frustration within sibling relationships and often do not have the necessary skills to deal with the situation. Here are a few things you can do as a parent to help them.
Identify triggers
Help your kids identify the situations that they find the most frustrating. Start by observing and then pointing out patterns in their behaviors and responses. Teach them that walking away from a situation where the other sibling is starting to get upset can often interrupt the argument before it erupts. You can show your children how to identify the signs of anger in each other. For example, “How does your sister look when she gets angry at you? What are the warning signs?” Your child can then use these signals to walk away, take a break, or change the subject.
Teach how to communicate and recognize boundaries
Let your child know that everyone has a right to their own physical space. If their sibling is provoking them with words or action, it is time to tell them to stop or walk away. If they continue, they are crossing a boundary. Similarly, it is important to teach the different ways it might look if their sibling sets a boundary with them. Practicing this in your own every day interactions with your child is effective. You can point out when you set a boundary with your child and also put to words when you recognize that your child has set one with you. The more you practice when emotions are not running high, the better your children will get at recognizing and respecting boundaries with siblings and peers when there is conflict.
Praise positive play or problem solving
Verbally praise them when your children are engaging in positive problem solving. We often use the phrase in parent training, “catch them being good.” Many parents falsely believe that if their children are playing nicely they should quietly stand aside and be careful not to interrupt. However, the opposite can increase the behavior you are looking to promote. If you pass the playroom and your children are engaged in a positive negotiation, communicating with respect, or collaborating on an activity be sure to circle back in a few minutes and point out what they did well and how that made you feel. For example, “When I hear you listening to your brother’s idea and responding with a calm voice, it makes me happy that you are showing him respect.” Responding in this way to children is an effective tool to use when you want to see the behavior repeated.
Uphold consequences
When one sibling takes a toy from the other, gets physical, or uses harsh or hurtful language, it is your opportunity as a parent to follow through on a consequence. Holding that child responsible teachers all siblings that the the negative behavior will not be tolerated. It is helpful to determine consequences for sibling conflict prior to the beginning of an argument. This way, all children are aware of the punishment beforehand.
Seek support when needed
Some children exhibit especially low frustration tolerance and high levels of irritability. If you have tried at home to manage angry or explosive behavior without much success, it may be helpful to consult a child psychologist for an evaluation and treatment recommendations. If the conflict between siblings is so severe that it’s leading to marital problems, creates physical or psychological harm, it is important to get help from a mental health professional. Working with a psychologist can provide parents with the support they need to develop a game plan.