Humans are wired for connection and community. Throughout time, people have done better when they lived and worked in groups and gained a sense of belonging and purpose from their time spent with others. It is no surprise that maintaining genuine relationships with family members, friends, colleagues, and neighbors is linked to better mental health. So why did a 2018 study from the Economist and Kaiser Family Foundation find that nearly ¼ of adults report often feeling lonely, left out, isolated, or lack true companionship? The reasons are numerous, from the increasing use of electronic mediums in place of formerly in-person social activities to simply the extremely overscheduled and busy lives we lead. One psychological tendency that maintains loneliness, anxiety, and separation from other people is people’s fear of being negatively evaluated by others.
Fear of social judgement paralyzes adults and children alike. “What if I say the wrong thing?” “What if they think I’m asking for too much?” “What if Sally doesn’t like me?” “What if they think I’m a bad parent?” “What if my son doesn’t excel at soccer and they don’t invite him to try outs?” “What if they find out I am not as fun as they think?” These sorts of worried thoughts about others’ perceptions lead many people to avoid situations or taking perceived risks. They refuse to speak up in meetings, or ask for a raise. They fail to tell friends what they really wish to tell them. They won’t speak up about their preferences or opinions, from a political candidate to a simple restaurant choice. Over time, they may avoid certain people or situations all together. Underneath these behavioral avoidances is a sincere desire to be liked, or to do the “right thing.” Unfortunately, that desire undermines their connection to others and to getting their needs met. Parents feel isolated and unsure of their decisions. Partners feels abandoned and misunderstood by their companions. Workers feel misunderstood and underappreciated by their colleagues.
So what can we do?
Here are a few reminders to help you stop fearing other people’s judgment:
- Am I being my best self?
Remember that you are the best determiner of your decisions, not others. There is no one “right way” to do things. Answers to life’s questions are individual and context dependent. Just because a neighbor allows their 7 year old to have sleep overs, doesn’t mean that you have to do the same. Joining a travel soccer team may be right for one child and not another. Saying no to a social event when you are tired may be right for you. The factors that go into your decision making are yours, regardless of what another person may think about it. Check in with yourself, and ask, “…when I made that decision, was I being my best self and doing the right thing for me?” If your answer is yes, then no one else’s judgements of you or your decision matter. - Judgement is unavoidable, but also transient.
We all make judgements all the time. Judgements are useful in that they help us make decisions and keep us safe (e.g., I like this cereal; That hill looks too icy to walk down; That person makes me feel uncomfortable, so I may keep a little distance). Given we all make judgements, we have to recognize that we can’t control the judgements of others. Those are theirs. It is helpful to remember that judgements are also quick to come and quick to leave. Imagine the number of judgements you have made in your life that have passed. The judgements of others are not worth our time. - We are terrible mind readers.
What we think others are thinking is all made up. It is not real. It is a guess. Cognitive behavioral therapists call this a “cognitive distortion” or “thinking error.” We have no idea what others are thinking. Would we tell our children to guess how far the train is from the platform, or would we encourage them to gather data and actually look down and see how far they have to step? Of course, they should look and gather the facts. Most of the time, what someone else thinks should not impact our decisions, if we are making the right choice for ourselves or our families. However, in situations where others’ judgements matter in our decision making, let’s not guess, just ask them. - I will put myself out there, regardless of others’ judgements.
Fear of others’ judgments of me simply do not serve me. I will make a personal choice to not let my fear of social judgement stop me from building the life that want or do the things I enjoy. I am the only one that loses out when I let others’ judgements stop me.
Implementing some of these perspectives and strategies will help decrease your worries about others’ judgements. If you are chronically lonely or think that ‘fear of negative evaluation by others’ is an ongoing concern for you, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help. CBT therapists work with clients to design an individualized plan to help you balance your negative thinking about being judged or rejected. This helps decrease the fears associated with social judgement, and leads to a behavioral exposure plan to help you speak up for yourself, communicate effectively, connect with others and fully participate in life.