How To Set Boundaries This Holiday Season

As with most things in 2020, we are heading into a uniquely challenging holiday season.  Many of the traditional ways we celebrate may be limited by different stressors related to the Covid-19 pandemic. For example, gift buying and exchanging is made complicated by financial strain and limited access to stores. Religious celebrations may be canceled or held remotely. And gathering with friends and families for various holiday parties is made especially challenging with social distancing, mask guidelines and stay-at-home recommendations or mandates.

Even outside of a pandemic, setting boundaries around the holidays is a good idea. This year, with so many additional stressors added to our plates, we think it is especially important to learn some simple tools related to setting and keeping boundaries.

1. Know your boundaries

In general, boundaries are limits and guidelines that are rooted in values, or things that are important to you. Some boundaries will align with those you are closest to, and others will not. Taking stock of which limits you would like to set at the start of the holiday season will help you stay focused and confident in your decision making. For example, if finances have become a stressor, you might set a boundary of limited or no gift-giving this holiday season. Knowing this ahead of time will prepare you when approached by a colleague about the office holiday exchange. Another example is evaluating social plans this holiday season. Be clear with yourself with what you are comfortable with. Having this information ahead of time will help you communicate to friends and family if you attend or postpone until next year.

2. What to say

When setting boundaries, it is important to be clear and direct. Some people use ambiguous language when they feel anxious or are fearful of letting others down. Beating around the bush can feel better in the short term but often leads to complications in the long term.

Here are several ways to use assertive and clear language with boundary communication:

  • I can’t do that.
  • I’m not comfortable with this.
  • This doesn’t work for me.
  • I have decided not to.
  • No, thank you.
  • You are kind to offer, but I can’t.
  • Apologies, but I can’t make it.

3. What to do

In addition to using clear and direct language, it is also important to have a handful of behavioral tools to utilize when setting boundaries.

  • Plan ahead: Thinking about what you want to say will help you feel more confident when the time comes. If you are aware that a conversation may be challenging, it can help to practice with a friend or in front of the mirror
  • Body language: Confident body language includes facing the person and making eye contact, use a steady tone of voice and an appropriate volume (no whispering or shouting).
  • Be respectful: Your message will be better received if you are calm and firm, rather than angry or forceful. Avoid put-downs or criticizing another’s values or boundaries.

For additional resources on communication skills, check out another CBT Westport blog article on how to be a better listener.