How do I know if my child needs help with emotional control?
If you are a parent, chances are you have seen your child throw a tantrum (or two, or three). Tantrums in young children are a developmentally normal behavior that occurs in response to a big feeling such as frustration, anger, anxiety, or disappointment. However, if your child reaches school age and they are still having frequent meltdowns and outbursts, it may be a sign that they are struggling with emotion regulation.
What is emotion regulation?
Emotion regulation is the ability to manage and modulate emotions in order to achieve a goal, complete a task, and direct behavior. This includes being able to tolerate highly negative emotions, to calm yourself down when upset, and to tap into positive emotions in order to keep yourself going during times of stress. You probably can think of adults in your life that have strong emotional regulation skills and those that do not.
The building blocks for emotion regulation are based on temperament and personality and are often made aware to parents as early as infancy. For examples, some babies have an easier time self-soothing when hungry or wet. Parents may describe them as particularly fussy and hard to soothe.
But the environment plays a major role as well. Research consistently shows that the development of emotional self regulation requires a combination of temperament and environment and that emotion regulation still can be learned and improved upon throughout childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.
A child’s ability to regulate emotions affects their family and peer relationships, academic and extracurricular performance, and long term mental health. It is no wonder that many parents come into the therapy office asking these questions about emotion regulation: What is normal? Does my child need help with emotional control?
In order to help answer these questions, it is important to understand that children can reach milestones of emotional regulation throughout childhood and adolescence. As a general guideline, we have compiled checklist of skills that your child would likely be able to acquire if they are mastering emotional regulation skills at different stages.
Developmental guidelines for emotion regulation*
Preschool/Kindergarten
- Can recover within a few minutes from a disappointment or change in plans
- Can play in a group without becoming overly distressed or excited
- Can negotiate non-physical solutions when another child takes a toy he or she was playing with
Lower Elementary (Grades 1-3)
- Can tolerate positive or negative feedback from an adult, teacher, or coach
- Can respond to perceived unfairness without becoming overly upset
- Can adjust behavior quickly depending on the situation (e.g., transitioning to the class setting after a recess)
Upper Elementary (Grades 4-5)
- Appropriately respond to losing a game or another disappointment
- Can accept not getting their way when working or playing in a group
- Can communicate to solve problems despite feeling big positive or negative emotions
Middle School (Grades 6-8)
- Can “read the room” in socials situations and adjust behavior accordingly
- Can anticipate outcomes and pre-plan for possible disappointment
- Can be appropriately assertive (e.g., asking a teacher for help, making a plan with friends)
Hopefully you now better understand emotion regulation, why it is important and the types of skills and behaviors are within then normal range of development for kids and adolescents. Stay tuned next week for Part II which will provide ideas for helping your child improve their emotion regulation skills.
*Adapted from Smart but Scattered (Dawson & Guare, 2009).